Page 10 - Vol 1 No 1 digital

“It’s Him or Me?” — The First Time
I Heard the Voice of God.
~ By Vanessa Milner
I spent the first 32 years of my life in the dark.
I was utterly lost. My moral compass was broken.
I based decisions on thoughts like, “It must be okay
because everybody does it” or “If it’s not hurting
anyone and it feels good, then how wrong could it be?”
At some point my drinking shifted from “little Ms.
Party all weekend long” to “Wake up and drink vodka
at 7am.” I KNEW I needed to pull myself together, but
I just couldn’t. I was totally out of control.
I woke up in jail broken. I was arrested for public
intoxication and endangering the welfare of a child.
Thankfully, a lady called and reported me for being
down by a creek in the middle of the day with my 15
month old son. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I
knew no one would bail me out of jail, and I didn’t
really care. I was tired of messing up. I was tired of
disappointing everyone. I was tired of life—tired of
being me.
I stayed in jail for 30 days. Somehow, I got a hold
of a devotional. The book of Romans absolutely came
ALIVE. In June 2012, when I arrived at the Haven
of Hope I was so hungry for the Word. I had lots of
questions and I NEEDED answers. I couldn’t get
enough of my bible. I understood how the blind man
felt when he said he was blind, but now he could see.
Because that was exactly how I felt.
I looked around the Haven and everywhere I looked
I saw restoration. Families being put back together.
Couples walking with God together. I got the idea in
my head that maybe God had sent me to rehab with
the intention of restoring my toxic relationship with
my ex-boyfriend—the relationship that had been
instrumental in me losing custody of my older 2
children. I thought God can change anybody, right?
I decided for the first time in my life that I would
seek God for the answer. I said, “God, I don’t have to
know how or when, because I trust you with the details,
but could you please tell me if this is your will?”
Then I began my first fast. I was determined to
10 WorKsmagazine.com │ June - August 2016
deny my flesh, let my spirit arise, and hear the voice
of my Lord. On the 3rd day, I was in my 8:00 am
bible class when the teacher mentioned “idol worship”.
My thoughts immediately turned to the golden calf
and my mind ALMOST wandered. And then she
said, “Have you ever put anything or anyone before
everything else in your life? Have you ever cared more
about something or someone so much that you let it
control your life? That is an idol.”
God was preparing me for his answer.
While fasting, we were allowed to go to our rooms
and pray during mealtimes if we wanted. That day
during lunch as I was pouring my heart out in prayer,
I heard the still, small voice of the Lord.
He said simply, “It’s him or Me?”
I knew then that the Lord’s path for me never
included this guy. God didn’t tell me yes or no, but
He gave me a choice. I could continue on with God, or I
could go back to the world’s chaos.
I chose Jesus, and from that point forward my heart
finally began to heal.
See, I didn’t know when I arrived at the Haven
of Hope what I really needed. I knew, I had to stop
drinking or lose my little boy. I knew, I had to stop
drinking or not see my older kids anymore. I knew,
I had to stop drinking or I would eventually lose my
life. I knew, that I was cracking up over losing this
guy that I thought I couldn’t live without.
But it was in that moment
when I let go of the one I
wanted to spend my life with,
that I truly met THE ONE—
the one and only Son of God.
The lover of my soul. The real
love of my life.
My life has had a lot of ups
and downs since I chose Jesus,
but choosing Him is the one
decision I will never regret.